.be happy for this moment.this moment is your life.

I have come to the conclusion that halways need to be like roads. People who walk slow, or stop to chat in the middle of the hall drive me nuts. They don't even have the curtesy (sp?) to move to the side, so people can actually walk, and get to class. If there were no people in the halls, or they all walked as fast as i did, then i could leave just over5 minutes b4 class and still be on time (instead of 10 minutes at least)...that is some high quality sleep/tv/lunch time right there. So why can't the halways, have "slow walkers keep right" rules? It makes perfect sense to me. then they also wouldn't get pushed out of the way, b/c of all the ppl they tick off.

and another thing...i admit to being a bad citizen...i voted in the federal election, b/c i was home at the time, so it was easy. however, the mayorial and provincial election, not so much. i feel guilty, and kinda hypocritacal, since i was all about telling ppl to exercise their right to vote when they turned 18 and such. my "excuse" is that since i still consider myself to live at home (ie in calgary) even though i am attending school elsewhere, and since i wasn't at home for the election, it made it very difficult to vote. I mean, its enough hassel as it is to find out about the people running, but then i would have had to get some kind of special ballot - right in the middle of midterms no less. no wonder university students don't vote. most of them live away from home. In theory, would it not make sense to have some way for all students to vote for their riding ON CAMPUS? i mean, instead of leaving it completely up to students to get the special ballots themselves, allow us to bring proof of our permanent address, and then give us the right ballot for our riding (they could have it on a computer or something). then they could count them up (They;d be counting ballots anyway). In theory, it would get alot more students voting,. i think, if they could go on campus, b/w classes or something. Students hate hassels, and going out of their way to do things for the most part - no wonder 18-24 has such a low voter turnout.

anyway, there's my rants for now...for those that have them (most, if not all of you, i assume) best of luck on finals! see you - i better see you - at christmas!!!

ps. my birthday is tomorrow!!!!

if you guys haven't heard this guy, and are looking for some good chilling/studying music he is amazing!! (he has samples at www.jackjohnsonmusic.com ) i went to west ed today and splurged on 2 of his cds...and then spent most of the night just chilling listening and thinking about...things...

the whole purpose of going to west ed today however was to buy my mom a bday and christmas present...do you think i'd have any luck?? i have NO IDEA what to get her. if anyone has any ideas, they would be much appreciated!

i'm tired, and my head hurts, so sorry for the lack of thought into this.

i really really want it to snow...i don't care if its not december yet...close enough, and i want snow for my birthday (not likely) and christmas (*fingers crossed*)

take care!

~Denise~

~kinda reflects the mood i'm in~ 

but it makes me feel a little better...the anagram (drumroll please...)is:

f.c.u.k.h.e.a.d.

standing for: foul-mouthed cheating unfaithful user kiss-off (I'm) heartbroken (go) eat a dick

like i said, shallow, but tough luck.

so blossom and i were talking...we came to the conclusion that in order to find the perfect guy, you have to try a bunch on, and then when you find the perfect fit you buy him! i thought it was awesome...

>>>I don't usually make out with my "good friends"...so obviously i thought we were more...apparetnly wrong about that. <<<<

~slowly getting over it...and trying to come up with a good anagram to describe him~

As much as i am not really an Avril fan, this song does the best job of how i'm feeling right now...

"My Happy Ending"(Avril Lavigne)

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2][x2]

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

so i was in stats today, and i don't know really what set me off, but there are these 2 guys that sit in front of me, and the one guy is usually late, so he climbs over his friend (yes the rows are that close together) to get to the seat beside him, and he goes to sit down and ends up pulling his friends notes with him, almost to the point of sitting on them. (i'm sure it was one of those you had to be there things) so i just kinda had my quiet laugh, and so did a friend of mine, but i dont know what i found so funny about it, but i kinda ended up almost bursting out laughing (you know where you hold it in, cuz its innappropriate...yeah, i was past that stage), and then i felt bad...but i couldnt look at them with out thinking it was funny.

then probably about 1/2 way through class i started thinking about the weekend, and how much it sucked...and then about things that chris and i had done...and how it would never be like that again, and i prolly could have started crying, had i not been in class. my emotions just can't take it anymore. i think what i really need is closure. <---it doesn't have to be this, but i thought it was funny...and right now i'm that angry, and yet when i think about things b/w us...things that i always wanted to happen with a guy (the little things, that he prolly didn't realize meant anything), i don't want to be mad at him (and myself), and i want to go back to the way things were. and yet, i don't think thats possible, b/c i'm going to have a REALLY difficult time being able to trust him again.

so tasha and i went out to 2nd cup last night for coffee, and such. mmm rasberry brownie ...

it was really quiet, the poor 2 guys working there - they must have been so bored.

anyway, we just sat and chatted about boys, and school and such for 2 hours. for those that don't know, tasha is one of my roommates, and she got engaged this summer (at 19). I kinda knew that her mom wasn't very impressed, but apparently her mom doesn't think andrew is "good enough" (smart enough, school oriented enough, driven enough), which is really sad, b/c i really couldn't see tasha with anyone else. whenever andrew is here visiting her, they are just so cute (yes, i am a hopeless romantic, but i can tell when something is going to last...at least i like to think so), and they get along so well. it kinda makes me realize how mature she is. i really admire her, she's so easy to talk to, and she's super mature and down to earth, but we always have fun. she's such a strong girl, and is going to be one of the best nurses. she just cares so much about ppl. but i digress...back to our conversation - she asked what i looked for in a guy, after the whole situation with chris this weekend, and what my type was, which got me thinking...that i always seem to go for the blonde/blue boys, except for the "crush" on sabrinas friend (the boy that taught me to 2-step). but really all i want is someone that is just a nice guy. i'm sick of going for the "bad boys" or the one's i can't have. like i have said b4, i want the lead up to the offical dating...w/o jumping right to making out like has happened lately. i mean it was all fine and good, but really, its not going to last if thats all there is. i want to get to know them by actually talking etc, and the lead up to other things. i need someone with similar values and interests, but ive kinda decided that they need to be more talkitive than me. thats one of the things about chris...he had lots to say, which was nice, cuz it kept the conversation going. but right now-really pissed off at him.

ok, i'm out of things to say, just not in the mood i guess...sorry

frick

why do i let my emotions get the better of me ALL THE BLOODY TIME. geez. and how can i be so upset about something that wasn't anything "official" to begin with. I should have gone with my head...but instead i let my heart take over (though it was only lust, I was always aware of that) and get ripped to shreads. again.

i don't get how guys can make out with you, cuddle with you, kiss you on a regular basis, and also be doing that, and maybe more with other girls at the same. Yet they see it as non-committal, so its not "cheating"

frick

i'm not dumb, b/c i had a clue that it was happening, yet i thought this time it would be different. for just one time in my life can't something work out? is it really too much to ask? all i wanted was for once to feel needed, and that i was attractive to someone. enough that they would want to date me, and only me. it sounds selfish, but i just don't get it.

i feel used. i let him in when he obviously needed someone. stayed up late talking to him, b/c i thought it was going to work out. I let him come over when i needed to study for midterms because he needed a hug. this guy, that i barely knew, but that i felt as comfortable with as someone i have know for 6 years (but thats another story). sure, in the moment i wouldn't have not wanted it to happen, but why do things have to hurt so much when they are over?



(i guess on the plus side i don't have to explain to my mom that i met my boyfriend on the internet)

I came across http://www.perex.com/index.php and i was amazed at how accurate it was for the most part...

You are gentle, caring, quiet, dutiful, neat, dependable, modest, unassuming, and humble. You can be counted on to make sure everything is in its place, that people are doing what they’re supposed to be doing and all the supplies have been secured.

You prefer to work behind the scenes, driven by a sense of obligation, often overworked for the benefit of others. You prefer tasks that are highly outlined, organized and practical. You fill your life with meaningful activities and schedule any down time. You enjoy helping any friend in need. You have a strong work ethic and can be critical of sloth, laziness and people who have possessions only through extreme indebtedness. All you’d like in return for all of your hard work is recognition and gratitude, neither of which you receive nearly in proportion to the effort and time you exert.

One of your greatest strengths is supporting family or group activities. Your contribution of cooking, cleaning, fixing or constructing is an expression of your love and loyalty to everyone present, and such labor is truly a pleasure for you to fulfill.

You were a model child. Relatively neat, sweet and conscientious, you were the child that every parent thinks they’re going to have. You may have openly disagreed or rebelled but if so it was short-lived and harmless and you were quick to accept the judgment of your parents along with any punishment they deemed reasonable.

Parenting, for you, is a lifetime commitment. You are protective, supportive and patient, often putting your children’s needs before your own.

You prefer not to make waves or attract too much individual attention. You go by the book and are suspicious of anyone suggesting that tried and true established methods should be revised or ignored.

You have a strong appreciation for antiques, traditions and heirlooms. You have a natural appreciation for and connection with your past and the people in your family tree. You find special joy in guarding old family artifacts regardless of their monetary value.

You put a lot of energy into maintaining your home. You keep things tidy, visually appealing and in working condition. You make sure your home is always well stocked with food and supplies. You take better care of your possessions than most types, cleaning, oiling, maintaining things so that they will always be nice, maintain their value, and function when needed. You want things to be sturdy and may replace something which isn’t broken if, after acquiring it, you realize that it’s of the new, shabbier quality.

You may or may not be a pessimist, but your speech is laced with reminders to realistically expect problems to arise. You are aware of the general dangers of living and are conscious of the fact that other people don’t heed your warnings as often as they should. You are also the first to point out to someone who seems surprised that they should’ve known that setbacks would occur.

In a marriage you are helpful and supportive of your spouse. You enjoy working on tasks together, or working on your specialties at the same time (one cooks while the other fixes the plumbing). As a parent you do all you can to ensure that your children are well behaved and hard working.

Apparently its possible to have a region(y=1/x, from 1 to infinity) with infinite area, that when you rotate it about the x-axis, produces a solid with volume=pi. And, oh yes there is more, its surface area is defined by an integral that not even the best mathmatitian can integrate (but it can be calculated to be infinite by other means).

yes, i know i'm a geek

Common Magic
Bronwen Wallace

Your best friend falls in love
and her brain turns to water.
You can watch her lips move,
making the customary sounds, but you can see they're merely
words, flimsy as bubbles rising
from some golden sea where she
swims sleek and exotic as a mermaid.

It's always like that.
You stop for lunch in a crowded
restaurant and the waitress floats
toward you. You can tell she doesn't care
whether you have the baked or french-fried
and you wonder if your voice comes
in bubbles too.

It's not women either. Or love
for that matter. The old man
across from you on the bus holds
a young child on his knee; he is singing
to her and his voice is a small boy
turning somersaults in the green
country of his blood.
It's only when the driver calls his stop
that he emerges into this puzzle
of brick and tiny hedges. Only then
you notice his shaking hands, his need
of the child to guide him home.

All over the city
you move in your own seasons
through the seasons of others: old women faces
clawed by weather you can't feel
clack dry tongues at passersby
while adolescente seethe
in their glassy atmospheres of anger.

In parks, the children
are alien life-forms, rooted
in the galaxies they're grown through
to get here. Their games weave
the interface and their laughter
tickles that part of your brain where smells
are hidden and the nuzzling textures of things.

It's a wonder that anything gets done
at all: a mechanic flails
at the muffler of your car
through whatever storm he's trapped inside
and the mailman stares at numbers
from the haze of a distant summer.

Yet somehow letters arrive and buses
remember their routes. Banks balance.
Mangoes ripen on the supermarket shelves.
Everyone manages. You gulp the thin air
of this planet as if it were the only
one you knew. Even the earth you're
standing on seems solid enough.
It's always the chance word, unthinking
gesture that unlocks the face before you.
Reveals intricate countries
deep within the eyes. The hidden
lives, like sudden miracles,
that breathe there.

Even though this is a poem from english 20...it is one of my favs

I guess beigun was good for something...

Jacqui and Kristen - remember thinking outside the box?? and our outing to FLC...and me driving in my fogged up car?

good times...i miss them

I'm kinda in disbelief that i am turning 19 in 14 days....19!!! I don't feel like i should be that old, but at the same time, there are things that happen that make me feel that old...or older.

I have been doing this volunteer thing called "study buddy", where i go to this elementary school for about an hour a week, and help kids that are having some kind of trouble with reading, or slightly behind or whatever. The class that i help in is full of below ave IQ kids, and to be in this program that the school has they can't have any behavioural problems on top of the low IQ, but apparetly some of them have "slipped through the cracks". This one guy, Josh, is one of them. I helped him out one day, and either he was a really (and I mean REALLY) good guesser, or smarter than he lets on. He had really no trouble with the work, but he doesn't seem to be able to work in a class room, he distracts the other kids and stuff. Anyway, I was helping this other girl today, but, he had some beanie baby or something that he wanted to "introduce" me to, and so I shook its "hand" and then he gave me a hug out of nowhere...I mean, this kid doesn't come accross as the most affectionate, but maybe its just b/c of my "position" there...not as high up as the teacher or something. Anyway, thats kinda the reason that I like working with kids so much...they are completely non-judgemental and look up to you no matter what (for the most part anyway...). And most of them are appreciative of what you do. After josh gave me a hug, so did the girl, maria, that i helped today, and she thanked me. Kids are just so sweet...so as you can prolly tell i left there in a pretty good mood.

Then I had to take the bus home, and while i was waiting for it there were these 3 boys waiting also, prolly about my brother's age (13). I usually see one of them, and he's always reading some book or another (which i was super impressed with), but today i guess 2 of his friends were there too, and this one guy was just swearing like crazy, and unneccessarily at that (don't get me wrong...there is a time for swearing i think....which is when you are super pissed off, other than that, be a little more creative. Though some times it is entertaining i will admit...see the post about love actually). Then they get on the bus with me, and they are just being loud and obnoxious...what gets me is how i'm thinking to myself..."you're just giving all teenagers a bad name, even if you don't intend to" I'm just like wait a minute...i sound so OLD. I mean i'm still young enough to know that not all teenagers are like them, but i can't help but wonder what everyone else would be thinking...

I"m not ready to be grown up...I love my independence, and I'm "ready" for it, but I guess its more of i don't WANT to be grown up. I don't want to worry about morgages, and house taxes, and other taxes, and buying a car, and having a carreer, and finding my Mark Darcy (as opposed to Daniel Cleaver), and knowing that he is right for me, and the right person to raise my kids, and then get old, and be a mother...its just so much to worry about, and yet look forward to (???).

I know I'm only 19, and i shouldn't be so concerned about everything...but i can't help thinking about it, at least a bit. Stupid media/culture that feeds these thoughts and ideas. lol...i just can't see myself knitting...

P.S. At least my mom doesn't dress me up in hideous holiday sweaters...

so he says i am one of 3 girls he hangs out with, but the only one who he sleeps over with (and yes it is actually sleeping)....what does that make us??? and why do i feel the need to analyze EVERYTHING????

I found this while doing a whole lot of nothing, and even though i wouldn't consider myself all that religious it definetly has some truth in it...read and enjoy

THE BRICK>>A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood>street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for>kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he>thought he saw something.>>As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into>the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to>the spot where the brick had been thrown.>>The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and>pushed him up>against a parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you?>>Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick>you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?">>The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but>I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no>one else would stop..>>" With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the>youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he>said.>>"He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I>can't lift him up.">>Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please helpme>get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.>" Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swellinglump>in his throat.>>He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the>wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh>scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.>>"Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger.>>Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his>wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.>>It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was verynoticeable,>but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.>>He kept the dent there to remind him of this message "Don't go throughlife>so fast that>someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!">>God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we>don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choiceto>listen or not.>>Thought for the Day: If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be onit.>>If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers>every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. Face it, friend ->>He is crazy about you! Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to>bless, .>>God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without>rain,> but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, andlight>for the way.>>Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...>>If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Marnie i love you to pieces!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish i was still at home...but now you have an excuse to make a road trip...my door is always open (that goes for everyone btw...) I can't wait to see you this weekend...lauren and i were thinking some bridget jones action if you are up for it...and we should go out for lunch or dinner too. I miss you hun...and i will be back in calgary in 2 1/2 years for good again i hope!! Miss you!!

I've been thinking alot about how much life has changed these past two years, and how much we have all grown up...even though there are times when i really dont feel old, even if i'm going to be 19 is 23 (oh yea!!) days. I'm just in complete disbelief of that fact alone. I mean really, i still don't feel like i'm that old, even though i am full aware that i've grown up alot, even these past 2 months having to cook for myself, clean, pay bills etc. Its insane...I'm perfectly comfortable with it and i love my independence, but at the same time, the fact that i will never truely "live at home" again scares me...sure i can go home to visit and i'm always welcome there, and it seems like nothing has changed, but it will never again be like the past 18 years of my life, when that is where i went home to sleep every night. Ever year, my room looks less and less like "mine" because i am constantly bring stuff up here (as in edmonton), and it looks more and more like a new home...

i have also been thinking about what life would be like had i not made certain choices or met certain ppl. Like lauren for instance...if she had never moved to calgary with her mom, then we never would have met her, kari never would have showed her around rta back in gr 8, and we never would have had that same group of friends (each of us brings so much to it...even if at the moment its spread over a whole continent pretty much). I may not have ever considered coming up to u of a to take eng, and talk lauren into taking it with me...and telling her she could do it. I wouldn't have met carolyn and then who knows who id be living with right now. I wouldn't have realized eng wasnt for me, (and yet lauren would love it) and maybe i'd be better off on another career path. This is just one piece of the whole puzzle of my life...everyone i have crossed paths with over the course of my 18 years has had some kind of impact or influence on me, and shaped me into who i am now...I love each and every one of you to pieces, and i don't know what i would have done with out your support, kind words, and all the unspoken communication...that sometimes means more than anything. I'm scared out of my mind for what the future holds...but there are ppl that i know will always be in it no matter what, b/c with out them i would never be there in the first place.

and to end on a less emotional note...considering i'm getting teary eyed (yeah, maybe its just me) writing this), you girls may be interested to check out this blog i stumbled across during the latest procrastination...its written by a guy believe it or not...one of the more interesting ones (about "hes just not into you")is further down the page...so make sure you scroll down to see it

http://hooizz.blogspot.com/

It makes for an interesting read, if you have the time.

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

~~~ 

So, I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was super impressed by it actually...very thought provoking - though quite confusing to begin with. I mean, really which would you rather...completely wipe someone from your memory and everything that went along with them, or just keep all the good memories of them, and deal with the bad ending. Thats really what it comes down to, no matter how upset you are by it, i think i would much rather look back and remember the good times, instead of focusing on the ending. It shows the power of the mind and how much we focus on certain things that are super trivial compared to the big picture. Memories are the most powerful things, and i think have more value than anything. They say you can't by happiness, and when it comes to our memories...it couldn't be more true. I think thats why i think psychology is so interesting. So many things go on inside our heads..that are almost out of control. I mean, think about it...sometimes something will just make you smile, or get teary-eyed without you even really giving it much thought. Like, you don't consciously think, "omg he just smiled at me" and then start grinning and can't stop...it always seems like it happens in the opposite order...i guess at least in some situations. Maybe more so with the teary-eyedness leading to crying...take chick flicks for example...either the tears and thoughts happen simultaneously, or you start to cry 1st, adn then you're like...thats soo sad, or so sweet... Back to the movie...it was so interesting how when he realized how much he really valued their time together, he fought to keep the memories he had left, even if he knew it was hopeless. he just didn't give up, and fought to remember right to the end (I guess if you haven't seen it it won't make sense, but if you haven't and you can handle something thought provoking i highly recommend it)...thats all for now - i'm sorry if this was kinda all over the place.

~D~

Underwear Goes Inside The Pants

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural?80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.But we got pills for that.We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now.Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is:people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?What's going to happen to our porno industry?These women don't just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds.Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?They're not masterminds."OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?""Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just:""Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?"

Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.An epidemic like it is polio. Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day.The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004."How'd you get through it grandpa?""Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.I'll sit at a drive thru. I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There's room in the back. Take it!Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?Of course not.You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,"You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."

We're in one of the richest countries in the world,but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.There are homeless people everywhere.This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.Why am I judging this poor bastard.People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless.

I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money.He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum.People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.Outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants" policy.Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books.

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you

//nickies masterful photography\\ 

So I have come to the conclusion that as much fun as i have with these improptu "relationships" (if you can even call them that), what i really want is the lead up... I mean, not jumping right into anything. I want the smiles, the first awkward hello, or attempt at a pick-up line...or even just starting as friends, but both wanting it to go further...later, as in weeks later. I want the little notes that mean they are thinking of me, the 2 or 3 hour dates...like dinner and or a movie, but save something (ie the making out) for a 2nd or even 3rd or 4th date. I like the whole idea of getting to know them a little more in person (not just talking on the phone or msn for hours...sure it works, but i want to spend time just talking/listening to them, with nothing else going on...just as friends). I mean, as fun as the impromptu make out sessions (for lack of a better phrase), i need to see myself as your friend, as well as a romantic interest, not just a make-out buddy. My emotions can't handle anymore of that. I don't want to be the rebound girl, or just someone you think you can make out with cuz you think thats what i want...i got my fill of it these last few months. as much as i needed it, and i don't regret either situation, i need to be in a real relationship, and a kiss is ok, but somethings (not implying anything like that happened), need to wait until it is an official relationship.

I need someone with motivation and with similar goals...ie thinking more ahead, like i do...as much as i like the idea of the whole opposites attract...but still taking it with a grain of salt...you still have to be able to get along, and if you are such polar opposites about somethings, even if the chemistry is there, its not likely to work. And just to vent...i know i can't change someone, and i need to like them for them, all there little quirks included...one thing that i can't handle is a lot of swearing. I mean, in some situations i can understand it, if you're really upset, then bust it out, by all means. But in every day conversation....its really unnecessary...be creative people....really!! ( i have a feeling i've said this before...but there ya go).

I'm sick of rushing into things...and then running into a brick wall, b/c i'm in a situation that i don't want to be in yet, and of course i draw the line (I'm not stupid), but i hate that i let it get to that point so quickly.

and in closing, i have come to the conclusion that i have a major fear of male body parts...luckily right now...but it could be a problem in the future.

for those that are wondering kinda what my place looks like...here it is, though its kinda a mess :P 

One of my fav pics from the summer...sylvan lake at its finest