Tuesday, April 06, 2004
if only
why must i focus on the little things...and this "thing", well maybe its not such a little problem...considering its plagued me for 7 years.
yes this is another acne entry
don't want to hear about it anymore...then i suggest you stop reading now
i just wish i wasn't so scared to try accutane...i keep thinking it will clear up on its own, but in the back of my mind i know it won't.
i'm in such a rut right now. I mean, i was so used to the clear skin - sure i was using all the stuff on my face, and taking more minocycline than was probably healthy, but it worked, and its amazing what it did for my sense of self. now, no matter how much i tell myself how lucky i am (and i know i am, but this is just becoming cruel), the looks from people, even the ones that i can tell are kinda sympathetic, or concerned, or just plain curious - they still serve as a reminder that its there.
I'm lucky to have such good friends, and i love you all, i don't know what i would do without you, honestly, and a caring family who is there supporting me no matter what. I live in the best country in the world, and every day i (should) feel blessed that i am alive, can walk, see, hear, feel emotion (no matter what kind...even the fact i am basically crying now). I know that i should be grateful that i wake up to the sun in the morning, and i can feel the warmth of it on my face. But then, comes the face washing, adn looking in the mirror, and i realize that nothing is getting much better. I mean, sure its mostly red scars right now, b/c i can't help picking at it (though i think i'm getting better), but i'm crediting that to the minocycline, and nothing more. grr
really, what is it with our society and the "ideal person" (almost everything that i am not...but thats beside the point) - self esteem through the roof, that everyone can see, clear skin....frick - why does everything always come down to that. I think i need to move to the mountains away from everything, especially the media...tv and magazines should come with a warning "may be detrimental to your health", because seriously, even if you don't realize it, the media affects almost every aspect of our lives, appearance, and just how we think about life in general. honestly, since i've been in rez i've watched more actual tv (not movies) than i prolly have in my whole life...at home i never used to watch tv ever - and i do mean ever. I watched all the kiddie shows until i started school, but then after that, it was prolly only a movie on sat night with my family. now i must watch at least twice as much (well maybe just this semester - since i never came out of my room last semester)
It was kinda interesting, my friend was looking at my grad pics and she commented that i must have been wearing alot of makeup, or "was my face just clear then"? She almost seemed kinda suprised. i think everyone on my floor seems to think that i've had bad skin the whole year, when really it happened mid november. but i guess its kinda the same as thinking that your friends, and other ppl you've know, always look the same as your most recent memory of them. Maybe its just me, but even if i think you look older, or you changed your hair, i don't really see you as looking older...you seem to look the same as when i first met you, even though thats really just the last time i saw you. WOW. that made no sense.
ok, thats all i got....i'm kinda tearing myself up right now, i gotta think about something else - sorry this is all over the place, but i figure thats what a journal is for, and i'm soo not reading this over - if it doesn't make sense TOO BAD
and for the record, i really am ok for the most part - i just needed the ranting...get some of the bottled up feelings out...and a good cry
yes this is another acne entry
don't want to hear about it anymore...then i suggest you stop reading now
i just wish i wasn't so scared to try accutane...i keep thinking it will clear up on its own, but in the back of my mind i know it won't.
i'm in such a rut right now. I mean, i was so used to the clear skin - sure i was using all the stuff on my face, and taking more minocycline than was probably healthy, but it worked, and its amazing what it did for my sense of self. now, no matter how much i tell myself how lucky i am (and i know i am, but this is just becoming cruel), the looks from people, even the ones that i can tell are kinda sympathetic, or concerned, or just plain curious - they still serve as a reminder that its there.
I'm lucky to have such good friends, and i love you all, i don't know what i would do without you, honestly, and a caring family who is there supporting me no matter what. I live in the best country in the world, and every day i (should) feel blessed that i am alive, can walk, see, hear, feel emotion (no matter what kind...even the fact i am basically crying now). I know that i should be grateful that i wake up to the sun in the morning, and i can feel the warmth of it on my face. But then, comes the face washing, adn looking in the mirror, and i realize that nothing is getting much better. I mean, sure its mostly red scars right now, b/c i can't help picking at it (though i think i'm getting better), but i'm crediting that to the minocycline, and nothing more. grr
really, what is it with our society and the "ideal person" (almost everything that i am not...but thats beside the point) - self esteem through the roof, that everyone can see, clear skin....frick - why does everything always come down to that. I think i need to move to the mountains away from everything, especially the media...tv and magazines should come with a warning "may be detrimental to your health", because seriously, even if you don't realize it, the media affects almost every aspect of our lives, appearance, and just how we think about life in general. honestly, since i've been in rez i've watched more actual tv (not movies) than i prolly have in my whole life...at home i never used to watch tv ever - and i do mean ever. I watched all the kiddie shows until i started school, but then after that, it was prolly only a movie on sat night with my family. now i must watch at least twice as much (well maybe just this semester - since i never came out of my room last semester)
It was kinda interesting, my friend was looking at my grad pics and she commented that i must have been wearing alot of makeup, or "was my face just clear then"? She almost seemed kinda suprised. i think everyone on my floor seems to think that i've had bad skin the whole year, when really it happened mid november. but i guess its kinda the same as thinking that your friends, and other ppl you've know, always look the same as your most recent memory of them. Maybe its just me, but even if i think you look older, or you changed your hair, i don't really see you as looking older...you seem to look the same as when i first met you, even though thats really just the last time i saw you. WOW. that made no sense.
ok, thats all i got....i'm kinda tearing myself up right now, i gotta think about something else - sorry this is all over the place, but i figure thats what a journal is for, and i'm soo not reading this over - if it doesn't make sense TOO BAD
and for the record, i really am ok for the most part - i just needed the ranting...get some of the bottled up feelings out...and a good cry
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