.be happy for this moment.this moment is your life.

So I went out to dinner (at moxies...mmm) and then to Cowboys for a friends birthday (her name is sabrina and she was born on halloween - crazy hey?). She brought her boy friend and this GORGEOUS friend from drumheller (where she is from). So we had our dinner and mmm white chocolate brownie (absolutely heavenly!!), and then 6 of us caught a cab to Cowboys - we had to get there b4 9, to get in free for her bday, which we did (actually we just made it). So we're just kinda sitting around waiting for things to pick up a bit, and the theme they had for halloween was ghostbusters, which is pretty cool, except all the girls that worked there was absolute whores...not gunna lie...they had these short little one piece shorts kinda things, and some of them had altered them, so they were basically walking around in their underwear - like there was this one girl in basically a thong...SICK!!! So ppl started to show up, and we ended up danceing a bunch obviously...it was definetly a good time. Oh man, there was this one guy, who dressed up as a one night stand (it was so clever, and he was pretty cute)...let me explain - he had a lamp shade on his head (that said "one night stand") and then he had a table around his waist, kinda strapped over his shoulders if that makes sense...it was so awesome!!! And i finally learned how to 2-step...with her gorgeous friend no less...*drools*, he was such a good dancer, and just lead me around the floor. Oh man, he had the nicest arms ever...muscle mmmm

So we ended up leaving about 2ish, and tried to get a cab...well good luck, we couldn't even get through. So one of the girls gave her brother in law a call to come pick us up, which he did, but he drives a mazda protege, and there were 6 of us...that was awesome, 5 ppl squished in the back, and then we get on the whitemud (a wanna-be deerfoot), and end up in a long line of traffic at almost 3am...so we figured it was either a check-stop, which would suck, or an accident. Luckily it was an accident, as bad as that sounds. So we had to drive by these cops and 2 of us in the back ended up ducking down, so it would seem like there were only 3 ppl instead of 5 in the back seat. So that was a good time.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACQUI!!!! I u!!

Oh, and i also found out that (i guess its kinda obvious, but this just clarifies it) that chris doesn't see me as a gf..yet anyway. I went to ikea with him today, kinda a study break i guess, and we ran into his cousin there. He introduced me and everything, and then they talked for a bit. After we walked away chris was like, i bet he thought you were my girlfriend. i'm thinking what do you say to that?? but w/e...i'm used to it now i guess.

I feel like screaming! I can't handle this...and for once it has nothing to do with boys...

I had 2 midterms this week (Mon and tues), which i studied for this weekend, and i think they went really well, bio was the easiest midterm i have written so far ever, and math was really good to i think (just one question i know i screwed up on...but its only 3 marks, and i think i got part marks for it). So now i just have stats left on friday, adn the reason i took the class was b/c i thought the 1st year stats that i took was super easy, adn that this one would bring up my gpa...and so far i'm doing 100% on labs, but i have been studying for my midterm, doing questions out of the text, and just ending up frusterated and upset...i mean, i'm sure the test wont be that bad, but its the 1st one i'm really scared for...i don't know if i know enough of the material to get through it...cuz i just have no motivation left to study anymore for it, and as much as i don't care....i have to, b/c i need to do well GAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I just feel like me head is going to explode, adn at the same time, when i try to study it feels like no info is even going in, and i'm just reading nothing. It makes me so angry, and i feel like i'm going to cry at the same time.

I just needed that little venting, now all i need is a hug.....which i will probably be getting tomorrow night *wink*(yes, it is the night b4 my midterm, but its not like i will end up studing much that evening anyway...i don't think it will help) <---this is screaming btw

What dessert are you? Find out @ star-girl.org!


Find out what flavour ice cream you are @ star-girl.org!


Find out which drug you are @ star-girl.org!


How are you going to die? Find out @ star-girl.org!

CAUTION>>>>CASCADE: don't read this unless you want to spoil the suprise of what is in your letter!!!!!!!


Sorry if there are holes in the story, just ask me if you are confused!


So we (chris and i) went for "coffee" (i don't get why guys go for coffee...thats always what the 1st get-together seems to be), and talked for prolly 2 hours. Oh man! he drives the sweetest car ever - standard, silver civic...so he dropped me back off here, and was like, so do you want to go to a movie or something tonight? I was starting to feel more comfortable with the whole idea, so i was like alright, give me a call about it later. So we ended up going to rent one (man on fire), and went to watch it as his place. He thought his roommate/ex-gf wouldn't be home (they are still living together until the end of the month), but she ended up showing up, and man, there was alot of tension b/w them! It was kinda awkward, not going to lie. So she ended up going out again, and we watched the movie, ended up cuddling a bit, and then i'm not quite sure how, but that lead to harmless making out, and then more cuddling (you are getting full details here lol). He was like, I don't want you to go home, so no being my self again, i was like, well i have to go home, b/c i have to call my parents in the morning, adn my roommates would kill me if i didn't come home, but you could stay over (I have no idea why i said this....but i couldn't really take it back). So he ended up staying over, in my bed, but not to worry NOTHING happened, i wasn't that out of my mind, and plus i just pretty much met him that day). In the mornign i kinda expected him to go home pretty quick, but he ended up staying until almost 3 in the afternoon. At this point i was getting kinda annoyed, and needing some time to myself, plus i had a bunch of work to do too. So we ended up talking during the week, and he called me a few times, just to talk, which was nice. Then i think thurs night, he was like, so, my ex is calling the cops b/c apparently she thought he was verbally abusing her. so he's like, if i'm not around its cuz i'm in jail. I was just kinda thinking - what have i gotten myself into?? So i ended up going to bed, and i get up in the morning, and there is a message from one of my roommates, saying "chris isn't in jail" (i'm thinking, well thats good, but what are all my roommates going to think of me!?) I had to explain everything to them of course. So then he calls me last night, when i was studying bio, and he sounded like a wreck, adn that he might start to cry (from alll the stress of his ex and the cops), and he's like, can i come over for a bit. So i said sure, he just really seemed upset and needing a hug. So he came, and told me the story (basically the cops thought his ex was nuts, and then after they left, she kept trying to provoke him into actually hitting her etc. to get actual assalt charges on him.) and basically it was alot of hugging/comforting.
I know its not at all like me i know (but please don't think less of me for it...he really is a sweet guy), and maybe its just like a rebound kinda thing for him (they've been broken up for a while, but still living together) which would suck, but w/e.

Has lots of extraordinary ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinkforward. Unique. brilliant. Sharp thinking. Fine, strong clairvoyance. make good doctors. Dynamic. Secretive. Inquisitive. Know how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative. amiable. Brave. generous. Patient. Stubborn. hardhearted. Determined. Never quit. Hardly become angry unless provoked. Love to be alone. Think differently. Sharp-minded. Motivate self. Dont appreciate praises. Highspirited. Well-built, tough. Deep love, emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest. Keepsecrets. Cant control emotions. Unpredictable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If anybody knows why guys always want to "go for coffee"...please explain it to me!! I'm not really complaining, I just don't get it!

OH MY GOODNESS...

so last night, I was in the weirdest mood ever, it was like a total ADD day geez...I was super bored, but there wasn't really anything I wanted to do, and nothing would occupy me. Really I should have just gone to bed, but instead i went and signed up to lava life...(totally not something i would do normally). I was just kinda looking around on it, looking up guys in Edmonton, and I came across this one guy who sounded pretty nice, he is into skiing and stuff. So the way it works is if you want to send them any kind of message (in your own words) you have to buy credits, which I'm not about to do, but you can send them a "smile" for free, where you can pick a message out of a list if you want, or just send them the "smile" on its own (that prolly doesn't make sense, but w/e). So i sent this guy a smile, and he ended up sending me a message, and we started talking on msn. We talked for a bit, and then he was like, "well this might sound kinda weird, but did you want to get together for a bit tomorrow? " I didn' t see why not, it seemed pretty harmless. He ended up wanted to turn off his computer, but still wanted to talk, so he got me to call him (so he won't wake up my roommates by calling at 2 in the morning, which is the time it was by then...i'm telling ya, i should have gone to bed). We talked (well he did most of the talking, which was fine with me...he can sure keep a converstation going, though all he really seems to talk about is how accident prone he is, and all the times he's injured himself) until freaking 4 am, at which point i was like "I really need to go to bed". We kinda made tentative plans to go for coffee today...but now i've kinda freaked myself out. eeek! I don't really see any harm in going i guess, but now that i'm back to logical thought i'm not really sure i really want to. Plus, even though this prolly won't turn into any kind of relationship (unless we *really* click), i was kinda doing the whole search on lava life b/c i was bored and needed to stop thinking about freaking adrian ahhh. Why is he still on my mind??? Obviously nothing is going to happen now, i mean i thought things were kinda too good to be true with him, but i didn't think they would be over so quickly. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all i want to do is "scream my lungs out, try to get to you"(-yellowcard-) <----totally what i have been feeling like for the past week and a half. Yeah, so really really not sure what to do right now...but on a totally different topic I'm so happy it is snowing!!! everything looks so pretty!

ahhhh!!! bio lab reports, one of the most stressful things ever, with the exception of midterms and finals, but i'm pretty much done it YAY!!! and that leaves my weekend free.....for, oh wait, more work i guess, since there's no longer a boy to figure into the picture

gah! so i went to ship night (res type function) at the plant (a bar on campus) last night with a couple girls from my floor last year. Man, its alot different when there is no boy who is strictly interested in you there. I mean it was still fun, but different fun, and this one guy asked to dance with me, so i was like, well why not...i need to move on - but this guy just could not dance! (actually it was kinda embaressing), and then he kept trying to dance with me again. Then this other creepy guy, who didn't even ask, he just kind tried to start dancing with me (and I had noticed him watching me for part of the night), and i was like no...and just kinda pushed him away. Definetly a night to shun the male population lol. oh, and worst pick up line ever..."I like your moves" haha....oh dear. So Adrian was there too, but he was playing pool the whole night, and didn't even stay that long, but I didn't actually end up talking to him, and i don't even think he saw me there. grrrr BOYS ARE SO DUMB....so why is it such a big deal???? I just don't get it. There were plenty of hotties there, and he was the only one that i wanted. How did i get so "attached" to him, we weren't even dating for fricks sake...geez!! Maybe b/c I got the impression that he was actually interested in me (as in all of me) for once...not just getting some action, but maybe I'm wrong...apparently i'm not going to find out, unless he gets over himself, and decides he wants a relationship, but who knows how long I'll have to wait around for that one ahhhhh!!!! All i want to do is scream with confusion and anger (not really at him, just the situation) He's almost constantly in my thoughts (and yes, i know that is bordering on creepy), but apparently i can't help it. ahhhh IDIOT!!!!!(yah Napolean dynamite)...that just about sums it up

And to Cascader - you rock my world girl, I love you!!!! (If you hadn't guessed it, I got your letter and i couldn't help laughing out loud at some stuff). I was walking back to our place with the mail and I was so excited I finally got a letter from someone other than my mom!!! and you know I'm going to reply...it just may take a little while, but hopefully not too long!!!

The problem with guys is when they sweep you off your feet, they are in a perfect position to drop you on your butt.

"I can't believe I let myself get so wrapped into you"

So, went out with Adrian last night for ice cream at the Marble Slab (where you pick your ice cream, and then you can get stuff mixed into it...mmmm) So good. Kinda interesting though, the girl was like "is this together", and maybe this was the wrong way to go about it, but I was like "are you paying?" So, he did...but maybe i should have just said no??? I don't know...w/e. So we were walking back to lister, cuz we had planned to watch a movie at his place. Then he stops and says, "there's something I need to talk to you about"...and i'm thinking, yup...this can't be good. Basically, he said that he had been in a 2 year relationship b4 coming here, and they had been broken up for 2 months, so he had realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I think i must have looked pretty sad...cuz he was like, "I feel so bad and I still want us to be friends..." (classic line...I know.) I thanked him for being honest, b/c I would have asked soon, anyway, b4 I got too much more emotionally invovled. I don't know how good I am at covering up my feelings, but I *think* i seemed ok with it. and like I said to him...it was non-committal, so really i couldn't be that upset. We ended up going to watch a movie anyway...Dogma, and then he walked me back here (like usual, except it wasn't...things weren't awkward, just different).

So there you have it, nothing has changed, so don't worry. Denise is still single like usual, and as many "boyfriends" (though its not that many in relation to some people), she will probably end up a bachelorette with 25 cats...lol...seriously, as much as I want to be upset with him, I can't. This is the nicest guy I have ever met, and I think maybe it was for the best, at least for now for him.

Its got me wondering though, these past 2 (???) weeks...I mean, we talked on msn and when we got together, but the conversations were never that great, and we tended to run out of things to say, and it got a bit awkward...I know i'm not *that* much of a talker but i can't help but wonder, Am I ever going to find the guy that i truly click with, and never run out of things to talk to him about?

well, no matter how its spelt, that is the kind of mood i've been in lately. I was reading an old friend's online journal, and it got me thinking how out of touch with her i've become, though at the same time, she doesn't seem to have changed all that much. Just reading what she had to say brought back so many memories, which got me thinking about life before university, basically. A time when the big deal of the day was what to wear, and could i get away with wearing make-up without my mom noticing. And whether or not i had enough time to curl my hair. Anything to get any kind of attention from a boy, whether or not there was a specific one at that time or not.

I remember in gr 7, knowing no one in my class, or on the same lunch as me, until, while i was checking my homeroom with my mom, we ran into this girl i had been in brownies with (who of course I couldn't remember, and yet had a picture of us together). She brought me into her group of friends, who back in gr 7 were still accepting of generally anyone. Later in the year, we weren't as close, but I had made a couple other friends (one of which i would still consider myself very good friends with, the other i have lost touch with for the most part). I still would occasionally go skiing with this girl, but we eventually grew apart, and then the "new girl" arrived. She was alot of fun, and we became friends almost right away...from what i can remember. I can't remember now where she was from, only that being her friend earned me the name stimpy...b/c rarely at school were we apart, and that i always thought she was so cool. Looking at it now though, as good of a friend as she was, she only came to my house once, and wasn't always nice to everyone, especially this one girl in our class, whom I can remember on more than one occasion making fun of her with. This girl was there for me during my first so-called boyfriend, though it only lasted a weekend, for which i wasn't even home for (teachers convention to be exact). When i got back to school that tuesday, his friends had basically decide for him, that i was not going to be his girlfriend. After this, there were many rude notes exchanged, b/w his friends and mine...

In gr 8, on a certain band trip, this girl i had come to be good friends with at first, but grew apart, once she was no longer in my class, decided it would be fun, perhaps to steal shoes from payless (stealing shoes is dumb enough...but payless????) I guess that just shows all the usurity, and wanting to get accepted that happens in jr high. This was all about the same time, I got my 2nd, once again "so-called" boyfriend. This time there was a bit more to it. I would make behind the back phone calls to him every day my mom was working evenings, and we'd smile at each other in the hall...i still remember the butterflies, but he was a year younger, and inevitably became interested in someone else. It had taken 2 months to get to our (and my) 1st kiss, and never did we go on a date. Two weeks later the relationship was over, though i took a lot longer to get over him, and he was dating a new girl a few days later.

In gr 9, I had finally established a strong group of friends, who I'm still proud to call my best...i love you guys to pieces, and I don't know what i would do with out you. Band became more important to me, and i got a crush on a boy in band (once again younger than me, and actually friends with the one from gr8). We were mostly friends b/c of the mutual "friend", and when i asked him out, he said no, but would rather just stay friends. By this time i was taking things suprisingly well. This boy I would take forever (and i do mean forever) to get over. and i am happy to say that he is probably my closest guy friend, and the amount of things we've been through together, mutual experiences we've share have just been amazing.

and of course the inevitable high school...my hopes were high, though looking back, i think i was also scared out of my mind. This was it, the rest of my life was riding on what, and how i did. I stayed in band, only knowing 2 people...jacqui (I love you hun), and kevin magwood (who i've known since ecs, and the story i always tell is the time...i'm not actually sure when, but i think he put a snowball down the back of my neck, and i ended up throwing one in his face, i think. His mom called mine, but my mom thought i had good reason to get him back...kinda trivial (is that the right word??) now, but i think it deserves to be included). It was especially intimidating b/c jacqui was already in wind ensemble, and so i was in this woodwind class full of people who all knew at least someone, or they had a whole group of friends. Being how shy i was, i didn't get to know anyone until bates, and that would have been so much worse, had it not been for jacqui. That weekend broke the ice of course, as it was supposed to, and that was the "age of jason"...i remember pretty much all the girls crushing on him. Later on the "novelty" wore off, but i will never forget his excuse for missing our 730am band rehersal..."jason lee could not be at rehersal this morning, as he had no clean underwear"...oh man, what a character! This year was also the one of the older guy...ah yes, tyler manion. I thought he was everything, after our california band trip. He was older, had a car, was a total flirt...his only downfall was smoking, and many other things as i found out later...though it still took me a while to get over him. I remember on the plan to cali, sitting with him (before really getting to know him), and just talking with him about his little cousins...this may have been what i found so appealing about him...how much i could tell he loved little kids, adn what a good dad he would be, if he put his mind to it, and got rid of his bad habits...

Gr 11 was definetly the inbetween year...i don't really remember much exciting, other than being in wind ensemble (which i wouldn't have tried out for, if jacqui hadn't told me to), and getting closer to all you band types lol ... you guys rock, and i love you to pieces, though i never did give in to eating in the band room, which kept me from getting as close as some of you did.

Gr 12 was obviously the most memorable...b/c of how recent (though its getting to be a while ago now...) The year that kyle gustafson decided he liked me, and was going to ask me to grad apparently which freaked me out royally, b/c i saw him as only a friend. He didn't take the rejection well...though it wasn't actually regection, all he asked was if i wanted to do something on the weekend, to which i replied that i was busy (b/c i actually was), and he took it as a definete no...after which he avoided us, and said one of the most hurtful things i've ever heard: "You (in general...as in directed at my group of friends...all of us were single) guys always go for the guys you can't have." As true as it was...it wasn't at all fair. Then came the biggest boy dilemma thus far in my life. It was getting close to grad, and i knew that i wanted a date. I went through a phase...starting all thanks to mr sackatch, asking why no girls ever went for reid. I started thinking about it, and was like...why not (other than the fact that everyone called him asexual...as in he didn't seem gay, but we never saw him going after any girls)...that didn't last long...during the bc band trip, i kinda realized there was no chance, since we never talked, and i didn't think we ever would. I decided maybe vance would be more "within reach", and not going to lie...I had had a slight (by no means "hard core") crush on him for most of high school. As much as everyone thought he was so full of himself etc. I just saw the confidence...and maybe a little cockyness, but he's a guy what do you expect. I ended up confiding in a previously mentined guy friend, among pretty much everyone else, that i wanted to ask vance to grad. After I finally got up the nerve to ask him, and to which, as you all know, he said yes, I couldn't stop grinning. Then, talking to the previously mentined guy friend on msn, i found out this boy had a crush on me. And having never really gotten over, (just kinda put the feelings aside) the rejection in gr 9, i had to be honest with him, and say that i did like him to. a movie followed, as well as many make out sessions (for lack of better terminology), but never a real date, and our "relationship" was never made public...b/c this boy didn't want a relationship at this point...just a friend with benefits, which was fine with me when it was just us, but at school it hurt to see him flirt with other girls, adn yet nothing toward me. The so-called relationship continued throughout the summer, when i wasn't working at camp, adn he wasn't in norway. Then i left for university, and he got "interested in someone else" obviously...and soon had a real girlfriend. We stayed friends, and i think will for a long time...but I still have to question what he wanted those 5 months.

Once university started, it was back to making new friends again, which obviously would have been easier, had i left my room and actually participated in floor activities, though if you have been reading this, since i started it, you will know those stories.

So, I went over to lister (res) last night to hang out with adrian, at about 9pm. We ended up watching oceans eleven (oh how i love that movie)...this guy on his floor has 150 movies on his computer, most of which are burned onto DVDs (which adrian happened to have access to), so we had quite the selection to choose from. And yes we did actually watch the whole movie, after which, I didn't leave until 3ish in the morning. yeah, i know...

anyway, there's the juicy gossip of my life for now (though i still don't know if we are actually *dating*).