Wednesday, April 21, 2004
OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So done 1st year university...totally unbelievable that this year is over!!! Soo much (good and bad) has happened...and just to be reflective and cliche, i feel like i've grown a ton. I've learned that somethings are super over-rated, I'm no longer a club virgin, I can vote (oh yea!), I finally think i may sorta (can you sense the indecision here) know what i want to do with my life career wise. (at least i know engineering is not for me).
And, some things I will actually miss about rez (yes, there are somethings that I actually liked):
1. the people (with the exception of a select few *cough* Lisa (F.C.) *cough*)
2. showering in the sun in the afternoon after going on a run (i've never had a window in my bathroom b4) - though i will not miss how glogged those showers got with hair)
3. not having to cook, even if i did complain about the food constantly, and being able to get junk food whenever i wanted, without having to go outside.
4. clubbing with the girls (though the guys were kinda lacking)
5. movie nights (nothing like watching a movie on a computer)
6. being completely independent, and not having to answer to anyone but myself
7. getting up half an hour b4 class and not being late!!!
yeah...this year was fun in the end - and in all honesty i don't think i would have wanted to be anywhere else.
Looking forward to the summer, and sorry about the last post (super stressed, and in a terrible mood - not a good combo for Denise)
to you all with exams still!
So done 1st year university...totally unbelievable that this year is over!!! Soo much (good and bad) has happened...and just to be reflective and cliche, i feel like i've grown a ton. I've learned that somethings are super over-rated, I'm no longer a club virgin, I can vote (oh yea!), I finally think i may sorta (can you sense the indecision here) know what i want to do with my life career wise. (at least i know engineering is not for me).
And, some things I will actually miss about rez (yes, there are somethings that I actually liked):
1. the people (with the exception of a select few *cough* Lisa (F.C.) *cough*)
2. showering in the sun in the afternoon after going on a run (i've never had a window in my bathroom b4) - though i will not miss how glogged those showers got with hair)
3. not having to cook, even if i did complain about the food constantly, and being able to get junk food whenever i wanted, without having to go outside.
4. clubbing with the girls (though the guys were kinda lacking)
5. movie nights (nothing like watching a movie on a computer)
6. being completely independent, and not having to answer to anyone but myself
7. getting up half an hour b4 class and not being late!!!
yeah...this year was fun in the end - and in all honesty i don't think i would have wanted to be anywhere else.
Looking forward to the summer, and sorry about the last post (super stressed, and in a terrible mood - not a good combo for Denise)
to you all with exams still!
Monday, April 19, 2004
(i need to apologize ahead of time...I'm in a terrible mood right now...no matter what i say i still love you all)
I hate being (treated like) a 3rd wheel...or in some cases a 5th or 7th...I love hanging out you guys, but at the same time, it always feels like I"m tagging along, and that you just feel you should include me because, otherwise you will feel bad. I know i'm not the most outgoing, "crazy" person, and there are people that are "more fun" than me, but i always feel like i'm the one that's invited (almost as a chore), but not included. I do like being invited...because b4 i get there i feel included, and I love all of you to pieces, but lately especially - it seems like you have someone else that you would rather hang out with.
And to top it all off, my dog is sick. she can't walk at all, or stand up for that matter - and we have no idea whats wrong.........
I hate being (treated like) a 3rd wheel...or in some cases a 5th or 7th...I love hanging out you guys, but at the same time, it always feels like I"m tagging along, and that you just feel you should include me because, otherwise you will feel bad. I know i'm not the most outgoing, "crazy" person, and there are people that are "more fun" than me, but i always feel like i'm the one that's invited (almost as a chore), but not included. I do like being invited...because b4 i get there i feel included, and I love all of you to pieces, but lately especially - it seems like you have someone else that you would rather hang out with.
And to top it all off, my dog is sick. she can't walk at all, or stand up for that matter - and we have no idea whats wrong.........
Monday, April 12, 2004
Happy Easter!
I have come to the realization that i get way to absorbed in school life. I got an email from my grandpa today wishing me happy easter and good luck on my exams. It made me realize that the only time I think about anything besides school related stuff is when i get emails from family or actual letters. That and calling home every sunday. I don't think shallow is exactly the right word. Maybe more narrow-minded??? I hate not knowing what is going on away from where I am, yet i barely do anything to correct that. I dont have a CLUE what is going on in the world at all. I used to read the paper at breakfast every morning...now i read text books - oh so exciting. The only way i find out about anything is the limited news i hear on the radio in the morning while i get ready, and from ppl on my floor,who actually know what is going on. That still doesn't solve the problem, however, that I don't have a clue about the little things that go on at my house, in my brothers life etc. These past few months i think i've kinda lost sight at times of the things that really matter to me, and in life in general. the fact that i can't send a quick email to a close friend unless i have a specific question for them...but can sit doing nothing (procrastinating in other words) for longer than i should, makes me feel terrible. but at the same time, there isnt really much exciting to report in my life...so maybe thats why. My life seems to revolve around studying, examining my face for signs of improvement (no matter how sad it sounds...that is what it has come down to), and going clubing occasionally (where nothing exciting/worthy of reporting happens - good thing i don't pay cover thanks to the ski club membership, or drink...otherwise it would be a waste of $$$). no matter how cliche it sound i think we (or i am at least) are losing sight (and have been for a while) of what really matters in life - friends, family, and just being HAPPY. nothing more is really important.
(and on a side note - anyone know what is up w/ vance's life - he said it was a long story...and that i would find out later....but can anyone give me the gist of it????)
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
if only
why must i focus on the little things...and this "thing", well maybe its not such a little problem...considering its plagued me for 7 years.
yes this is another acne entry
don't want to hear about it anymore...then i suggest you stop reading now
i just wish i wasn't so scared to try accutane...i keep thinking it will clear up on its own, but in the back of my mind i know it won't.
i'm in such a rut right now. I mean, i was so used to the clear skin - sure i was using all the stuff on my face, and taking more minocycline than was probably healthy, but it worked, and its amazing what it did for my sense of self. now, no matter how much i tell myself how lucky i am (and i know i am, but this is just becoming cruel), the looks from people, even the ones that i can tell are kinda sympathetic, or concerned, or just plain curious - they still serve as a reminder that its there.
I'm lucky to have such good friends, and i love you all, i don't know what i would do without you, honestly, and a caring family who is there supporting me no matter what. I live in the best country in the world, and every day i (should) feel blessed that i am alive, can walk, see, hear, feel emotion (no matter what kind...even the fact i am basically crying now). I know that i should be grateful that i wake up to the sun in the morning, and i can feel the warmth of it on my face. But then, comes the face washing, adn looking in the mirror, and i realize that nothing is getting much better. I mean, sure its mostly red scars right now, b/c i can't help picking at it (though i think i'm getting better), but i'm crediting that to the minocycline, and nothing more. grr
really, what is it with our society and the "ideal person" (almost everything that i am not...but thats beside the point) - self esteem through the roof, that everyone can see, clear skin....frick - why does everything always come down to that. I think i need to move to the mountains away from everything, especially the media...tv and magazines should come with a warning "may be detrimental to your health", because seriously, even if you don't realize it, the media affects almost every aspect of our lives, appearance, and just how we think about life in general. honestly, since i've been in rez i've watched more actual tv (not movies) than i prolly have in my whole life...at home i never used to watch tv ever - and i do mean ever. I watched all the kiddie shows until i started school, but then after that, it was prolly only a movie on sat night with my family. now i must watch at least twice as much (well maybe just this semester - since i never came out of my room last semester)
It was kinda interesting, my friend was looking at my grad pics and she commented that i must have been wearing alot of makeup, or "was my face just clear then"? She almost seemed kinda suprised. i think everyone on my floor seems to think that i've had bad skin the whole year, when really it happened mid november. but i guess its kinda the same as thinking that your friends, and other ppl you've know, always look the same as your most recent memory of them. Maybe its just me, but even if i think you look older, or you changed your hair, i don't really see you as looking older...you seem to look the same as when i first met you, even though thats really just the last time i saw you. WOW. that made no sense.
ok, thats all i got....i'm kinda tearing myself up right now, i gotta think about something else - sorry this is all over the place, but i figure thats what a journal is for, and i'm soo not reading this over - if it doesn't make sense TOO BAD
and for the record, i really am ok for the most part - i just needed the ranting...get some of the bottled up feelings out...and a good cry
yes this is another acne entry
don't want to hear about it anymore...then i suggest you stop reading now
i just wish i wasn't so scared to try accutane...i keep thinking it will clear up on its own, but in the back of my mind i know it won't.
i'm in such a rut right now. I mean, i was so used to the clear skin - sure i was using all the stuff on my face, and taking more minocycline than was probably healthy, but it worked, and its amazing what it did for my sense of self. now, no matter how much i tell myself how lucky i am (and i know i am, but this is just becoming cruel), the looks from people, even the ones that i can tell are kinda sympathetic, or concerned, or just plain curious - they still serve as a reminder that its there.
I'm lucky to have such good friends, and i love you all, i don't know what i would do without you, honestly, and a caring family who is there supporting me no matter what. I live in the best country in the world, and every day i (should) feel blessed that i am alive, can walk, see, hear, feel emotion (no matter what kind...even the fact i am basically crying now). I know that i should be grateful that i wake up to the sun in the morning, and i can feel the warmth of it on my face. But then, comes the face washing, adn looking in the mirror, and i realize that nothing is getting much better. I mean, sure its mostly red scars right now, b/c i can't help picking at it (though i think i'm getting better), but i'm crediting that to the minocycline, and nothing more. grr
really, what is it with our society and the "ideal person" (almost everything that i am not...but thats beside the point) - self esteem through the roof, that everyone can see, clear skin....frick - why does everything always come down to that. I think i need to move to the mountains away from everything, especially the media...tv and magazines should come with a warning "may be detrimental to your health", because seriously, even if you don't realize it, the media affects almost every aspect of our lives, appearance, and just how we think about life in general. honestly, since i've been in rez i've watched more actual tv (not movies) than i prolly have in my whole life...at home i never used to watch tv ever - and i do mean ever. I watched all the kiddie shows until i started school, but then after that, it was prolly only a movie on sat night with my family. now i must watch at least twice as much (well maybe just this semester - since i never came out of my room last semester)
It was kinda interesting, my friend was looking at my grad pics and she commented that i must have been wearing alot of makeup, or "was my face just clear then"? She almost seemed kinda suprised. i think everyone on my floor seems to think that i've had bad skin the whole year, when really it happened mid november. but i guess its kinda the same as thinking that your friends, and other ppl you've know, always look the same as your most recent memory of them. Maybe its just me, but even if i think you look older, or you changed your hair, i don't really see you as looking older...you seem to look the same as when i first met you, even though thats really just the last time i saw you. WOW. that made no sense.
ok, thats all i got....i'm kinda tearing myself up right now, i gotta think about something else - sorry this is all over the place, but i figure thats what a journal is for, and i'm soo not reading this over - if it doesn't make sense TOO BAD
and for the record, i really am ok for the most part - i just needed the ranting...get some of the bottled up feelings out...and a good cry
Friday, April 02, 2004
meaningful????
so, i've come to the conclusion that everything sounds better written in my head, than typed here...i think what i need is a tape recorder in my brain that would record all my thoughts...i seem to get all my inspiration for what i intend to write in here while walking to class...its really quite strange. i can never remember what i was going to write...but it always seems so meaningful and insightful *sigh* i guess i just have a problem articulating my ideas and feelings.
anyway...i'm kinda in need of advice - boy advice that is. So after i had talked to him on thursday, i was kind wondering if it was just going to be like a one time thing. so, tuesday i got their before him...and he came an sat by me
i was like...so, i didn't get your name last time...to which he replied Kyle - so now i "officially" know it. we talked about chem yet again (the lab final this time). Thursday he got their just before class started, so we didn't get time to talk, but he still sat by me...*sigh* I just don't know if he's just being nice and talking to me, or if i should read more into it. I just don't really know what to do. we have one class left, but we have nothing left to learn, and my prof is just having kinda a review/ask questions day for our last class - is he going to come??? I know that i barely know him, but the thing is i want to get to know him more - i hate having to always be the one who does the asking (guys can be such chickens), but i don't want to never see him again. would it be out of line to ask if he wanted to hang out sometime??? I hate rejection, but i think he's to nice to say no...its just..ahhhh!! having self consciousness problems.
and to change the subject...just something thats been pissing me off - how hard is it to remember to flush???? you are in 3rd year university - how can you forget almost all the time??? and i dont care if you have a sink in your room - you still touch the door handle with unwashed hands, and the rest of us touch it too - i hate to think the germs that are flying around.
3 days of classes left, final on monday night EEEK!!! (then no more sociology ever again!!!) ....ok its nice out, going for a run
anyway...i'm kinda in need of advice - boy advice that is. So after i had talked to him on thursday, i was kind wondering if it was just going to be like a one time thing. so, tuesday i got their before him...and he came an sat by me
i was like...so, i didn't get your name last time...to which he replied Kyle - so now i "officially" know it. we talked about chem yet again (the lab final this time). Thursday he got their just before class started, so we didn't get time to talk, but he still sat by me...*sigh* I just don't know if he's just being nice and talking to me, or if i should read more into it. I just don't really know what to do. we have one class left, but we have nothing left to learn, and my prof is just having kinda a review/ask questions day for our last class - is he going to come??? I know that i barely know him, but the thing is i want to get to know him more - i hate having to always be the one who does the asking (guys can be such chickens), but i don't want to never see him again. would it be out of line to ask if he wanted to hang out sometime??? I hate rejection, but i think he's to nice to say no...its just..ahhhh!! having self consciousness problems.
and to change the subject...just something thats been pissing me off - how hard is it to remember to flush???? you are in 3rd year university - how can you forget almost all the time??? and i dont care if you have a sink in your room - you still touch the door handle with unwashed hands, and the rest of us touch it too - i hate to think the germs that are flying around.
3 days of classes left, final on monday night EEEK!!! (then no more sociology ever again!!!) ....ok its nice out, going for a run
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Kristen...comments were being dumb...but i gotta ask - Are "towel turbans" really bad for your hair??? And i will send my mom in to get my dinner dance ticket (because I won't be home until the saturday morning - eek!) I'm sooo excited!!!!
Sarah - glad to hear you are feeling better!!! I was very concerned, and we will have another 2nd cup - beave thing, once i am back home for the summer at the end of april.
Time to go to class...but expect another post soon!
Sarah - glad to hear you are feeling better!!! I was very concerned, and we will have another 2nd cup - beave thing, once i am back home for the summer at the end of april.
Time to go to class...but expect another post soon!
