Tuesday, November 16, 2004
feeling old...
I'm kinda in disbelief that i am turning 19 in 14 days....19!!! I don't feel like i should be that old, but at the same time, there are things that happen that make me feel that old...or older.
I have been doing this volunteer thing called "study buddy", where i go to this elementary school for about an hour a week, and help kids that are having some kind of trouble with reading, or slightly behind or whatever. The class that i help in is full of below ave IQ kids, and to be in this program that the school has they can't have any behavioural problems on top of the low IQ, but apparetly some of them have "slipped through the cracks". This one guy, Josh, is one of them. I helped him out one day, and either he was a really (and I mean REALLY) good guesser, or smarter than he lets on. He had really no trouble with the work, but he doesn't seem to be able to work in a class room, he distracts the other kids and stuff. Anyway, I was helping this other girl today, but, he had some beanie baby or something that he wanted to "introduce" me to, and so I shook its "hand" and then he gave me a hug out of nowhere...I mean, this kid doesn't come accross as the most affectionate, but maybe its just b/c of my "position" there...not as high up as the teacher or something. Anyway, thats kinda the reason that I like working with kids so much...they are completely non-judgemental and look up to you no matter what (for the most part anyway...). And most of them are appreciative of what you do. After josh gave me a hug, so did the girl, maria, that i helped today, and she thanked me. Kids are just so sweet...so as you can prolly tell i left there in a pretty good mood.
Then I had to take the bus home, and while i was waiting for it there were these 3 boys waiting also, prolly about my brother's age (13). I usually see one of them, and he's always reading some book or another (which i was super impressed with), but today i guess 2 of his friends were there too, and this one guy was just swearing like crazy, and unneccessarily at that (don't get me wrong...there is a time for swearing i think....which is when you are super pissed off, other than that, be a little more creative. Though some times it is entertaining i will admit...see the post about love actually). Then they get on the bus with me, and they are just being loud and obnoxious...what gets me is how i'm thinking to myself..."you're just giving all teenagers a bad name, even if you don't intend to" I'm just like wait a minute...i sound so OLD. I mean i'm still young enough to know that not all teenagers are like them, but i can't help but wonder what everyone else would be thinking...
I"m not ready to be grown up...I love my independence, and I'm "ready" for it, but I guess its more of i don't WANT to be grown up. I don't want to worry about morgages, and house taxes, and other taxes, and buying a car, and having a carreer, and finding my Mark Darcy (as opposed to Daniel Cleaver), and knowing that he is right for me, and the right person to raise my kids, and then get old, and be a mother...its just so much to worry about, and yet look forward to (???).
I know I'm only 19, and i shouldn't be so concerned about everything...but i can't help thinking about it, at least a bit. Stupid media/culture that feeds these thoughts and ideas.
lol...i just can't see myself knitting...
I have been doing this volunteer thing called "study buddy", where i go to this elementary school for about an hour a week, and help kids that are having some kind of trouble with reading, or slightly behind or whatever. The class that i help in is full of below ave IQ kids, and to be in this program that the school has they can't have any behavioural problems on top of the low IQ, but apparetly some of them have "slipped through the cracks". This one guy, Josh, is one of them. I helped him out one day, and either he was a really (and I mean REALLY) good guesser, or smarter than he lets on. He had really no trouble with the work, but he doesn't seem to be able to work in a class room, he distracts the other kids and stuff. Anyway, I was helping this other girl today, but, he had some beanie baby or something that he wanted to "introduce" me to, and so I shook its "hand" and then he gave me a hug out of nowhere...I mean, this kid doesn't come accross as the most affectionate, but maybe its just b/c of my "position" there...not as high up as the teacher or something. Anyway, thats kinda the reason that I like working with kids so much...they are completely non-judgemental and look up to you no matter what (for the most part anyway...). And most of them are appreciative of what you do. After josh gave me a hug, so did the girl, maria, that i helped today, and she thanked me. Kids are just so sweet...so as you can prolly tell i left there in a pretty good mood.
Then I had to take the bus home, and while i was waiting for it there were these 3 boys waiting also, prolly about my brother's age (13). I usually see one of them, and he's always reading some book or another (which i was super impressed with), but today i guess 2 of his friends were there too, and this one guy was just swearing like crazy, and unneccessarily at that (don't get me wrong...there is a time for swearing i think....which is when you are super pissed off, other than that, be a little more creative. Though some times it is entertaining i will admit...see the post about love actually). Then they get on the bus with me, and they are just being loud and obnoxious...what gets me is how i'm thinking to myself..."you're just giving all teenagers a bad name, even if you don't intend to" I'm just like wait a minute...i sound so OLD. I mean i'm still young enough to know that not all teenagers are like them, but i can't help but wonder what everyone else would be thinking...
I"m not ready to be grown up...I love my independence, and I'm "ready" for it, but I guess its more of i don't WANT to be grown up. I don't want to worry about morgages, and house taxes, and other taxes, and buying a car, and having a carreer, and finding my Mark Darcy (as opposed to Daniel Cleaver), and knowing that he is right for me, and the right person to raise my kids, and then get old, and be a mother...its just so much to worry about, and yet look forward to (???).
I know I'm only 19, and i shouldn't be so concerned about everything...but i can't help thinking about it, at least a bit. Stupid media/culture that feeds these thoughts and ideas.
lol...i just can't see myself knitting...
P.S. At least my mom doesn't dress me up in hideous holiday sweaters...
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